Advice of the Week: Stop Networking, Start Connecting

The people who seemed to connect easily weren’t necessarily the most charismatic, they were the most curious.

Now you might be thinking, “Well great Robert, but what if I’m introverted and find connecting with new people exhausting?”

Here’s the answer…

**→ Go with somebody extroverted: **They’ll do the brunt of the talking and you get to come along for the ride.

Don’t have any extroverted friends?

Find some.

Spend that upfront investment, and it will pay dividends to your life—I promise you that.

→ Tactically schedule your “Me” time: Plan to block “me” time before and after big connection days to anticipate your need to recharge your batteries in advance.

How do you have authentic conversations?

And that brings us to this week’s Breakthrough…

Breakthrough Recommendation: Supercommunicators - Stanford GSB Podcast

Why It’s Awesome:

This podcast episode shows you how to turn the typical transactional nature of “networking” into something far more human.

It’s perfect for anyone who’s tired of superficial exchanges and wants to make real, lasting connections.

And the best part?

The strategies are so simple, you can start using them right away!

My Favorite Takeaways:

I started to notice a pattern amongst people I’ll call “superconnectors”. → Learn how to have authentic conversations:

They didn’t talk about themselves endlessly or show off their latest accomplishments.

Instead, they made others feel seen and heard.

That was the first “aha” moment for me.

The Three Types of Conversations We Have…

Charles Duhigg breaks down the 3 types of conversations we have and what happens when our expectations are misaligned.

1. Practical: focuses on decision making, problem-solving, and planning.
2. Emotional: focuses on seeking empathy and sharing feelings.
3. Social: focuses on exploring relationships, societal perceptions, and personal backgrounds.

When we walk into a conversation, there’s a certain expectation the conversationalists have—and often it is unsaid.

Conversation Type Mismatch Example:

Conversation Type Match Example:

My Partner: “Hey honey that problematic PM at work is making my life hell again, here’s all the ways they’ve made me miserable today…” (Emotional)

Me: “How could I be here for you right now? Would you like me to just listen or to try to help the situation beyond that?” (Clarification - ?)

My Partner:“Listening mode please! You wouldn’t BELIEVE what they said in this meeting…” (Clarification - Emotional)

Me: “Oh that sounds hard to deal with and frustrating, what happened next?” (Emotional)

Matched!

So, how can you apply these ideas to turn strangers into meaningful relationships?

Everybody is human and wants to feel heard and seen for who they are. It is one of the most beautiful joys in the world to give somebody that feeling authentically.

→ You do that with a dash of empathic listening.

When you’re at a conference or meetup, and your goal is to connect with others (find friends, potential business partners, or people you can just exchange knowledge with, etc.), you’re having**“social”** conversations and sometimes**“practical” **conversations.

The best connecting conversations I’ve had are**“social” + “emotional”** conversations, where you listen and share on personal backgrounds, interests, values to try to understand each others’ lens on the world.

And you get here by asking deeper questions that get at the “why” of what makes the person who they are.

The AAA Framework To Connect Deeper Through Conversation

1. **Ask Thoughtful Questions: **ask open-ended meaningful questions that invite deeper conversation.
2. **Actively Listen: **give the other person your full attention, maintain eye contact, avoid distractions (your phone), and don’t prepare for your next response while they’re talking. Listen to listen.
3. **Acknowledge and Reflect: **acknowledge their perspective by reflecting back what you heard. If the conversation is more complex, try saying “Could I reflect back what I heard to make sure I understand you right?”, and when they say yes or nod, reflect what you heard in your own words with some empathy.

My Partner: “Hey honey that problematic PM at work is making my life hell again, here’s all the ways they’ve made me miserable today…” (Emotional) Me: “Here’s exactly what you should do about your situation to fix it…” (Practical) My Partner:“You never understand me!” (Mismatch) Me: “Dammit…” (Technically, Emotional) I’m sure you’ve seen this story before. **Mismatch.**Here’s my main principle for connection: You make them feel comfortable, and invite them to share their story.