ABC 1: How Therapy Changed My Life and Why I'm Starting the "ABCs for Growth" Newsletter & Community

I never wanted to be like my father, but I found myself becoming him. 

Rewinding back to 2014, I had put myself through college, fully knowing what hunger and financial pressures felt like. 

I graduated with a degree in Chemical Engineering, and pivoted into a career in Technology despite not having the prerequisite education. 

I never thought I was very smart. I just worked insanely hard. The only real skills I believed I had were working hard and the deep motivation to improve myself.

In 2017, early in my career, I was moving up quickly. 

As much as I accomplished, I couldn’t prevent **imposter syndrome **from setting in fast. 

**Stress **and **pressure **leaked into anger, deteriorating my love life and relationships. 

I always ***wanted ***to be the best partner and find true love in a fulfilling life.

I never ***wanted ***to be like my father, **but I found myself becoming him. **

I took my ability to work hard and applied it **rigorously **to therapy, realizing it was the key to solving the barriers I placed against myself.

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My first therapy session

In my very first therapy session, I handled it like a work meeting—ruthlessly efficient, focused on **action **and problem-solving. 

I had an agenda for what topics I wanted to cover, the problems I wanted to figure out about myself, and how many minutes I wanted to spend on each one. 

I brought a lot of **bias **and **doubt **about whether this would actually work. 

I went straight into solution mode, seeking practical and actionable steps to solve my weaknesses.

The first problem I wanted to tackle was my poor listening skills. 

When someone brought me their problems, I had a hard time being present. Instead of listening, my mind would be elsewhere, judging and trying to solve their problem. 

My inner critic was loud and unforgiving, making it hard to be present. Looking back, I’m thankful I had this level of self-awareness and desire to improve.

I asked my therapist how to solve this weakness. 

I **wanted **to be a good listener.

I **wanted **to be a good partner

I **wanted **to be a good friend. 

We started talking, and she asked, *“When you were a kid, did anyone judge you when you brought them a problem?” *

I said, “Of course, my dad did this all the time. Nothing I ever did was good enough.”

After discussing this for some time, I grew impatient and asked how this related to my current problem of wanting to be a better listener. 

She asked, *“How did you feel when your dad judged you?” *

I had to think about it. Eventually, I told her I felt **terrible **and sad, never good enough. 

My jaw hit the floor - this question changed my life. 

I realized I was passing on the pain I received. This self-awareness was a tool. 

The next time a similar situation occurred, I asked myself if I wanted to be like my dad or if I wanted to be me. 

**I chose to be me. **

This emotional understanding was strong enough to eliminate my issue. 

From then on, I became a better listener.

**Then she asked, *****“Do you think your friends or loved ones want to feel that way when they bring you their problems?”***She asked me about my childhood, and I thought, *“Here we go,” *skepticism kicking in.

My anger was ruining my relationships with others and myself. 

I would let my anger get the best of me in arguments with significant others. I would raise my voice childishly, and say a lot of hurtful things I would later regret.

To be frank, I’ve been an asshole more than a few times in my life. I’ve always wanted to improve and grow. I believe it takes admitting your mistakes to improve.

Now, I have these fancy words for the pain I kept inside.

Now, I know about tools like the feelings wheel to help me understand my emotions. Better discernment between energy giving and energy draining relationships.

The concept of the inner child.

The benefits of meditation.

Anger that was piled up like steam in a pressure cooker, never released for decades -  a symptom of suppressed emotions. 

It can lead you to push away those who love you and never believe you’re worthy of love, not even from yourself. 

For men like me, taught to suppress their feelings to always appear**“strong”,** feelings generally morph into anger. 

This manifested in me being a perfectionist, never satisfied with anything I did or who I was, no matter the accomplishments. 

I was never satisfied with those close to me either, driving my loved ones crazy with my perfectionist tendencies.

I never liked who I was. And I learned why. Now I do.

Years of therapy taught me to understand and address my emotions, allowing me to build healthier relationships and find self-love. 

This self-awareness removed barriers in my personal and professional life. 

Imposter syndrome wasn’t so menacing and constant.

In my professional life, my career evolved rapidly. 

I was leading Product Architecture at a big software company.

I had raised the best dog ever (get at me).

Looking back I see that what paralleled my rapid career success was the ability to influence and lead without direct authority.

Leading without direct authority became one of my greatest strengths - and I now realize it was no happy accident.

Shoutout to the mentors and sponsors who saw something in me and gave me opportunities to build this skill with your guidance, insights, and advice throughout the years. I am very grateful.

Shoutout to my therapist, who has done more for me than I can ever repay.

All I can do is pay it forward.

The voice of my inner critic, once loud, became more **silent **every day.Therapy revealed deep-rooted insecurities from generational trauma and lived abuse. I learned that trauma gets trapped in the body and leads to self-sabotage.Back then, I just had a lot of anger.

**My anger was ruining my relationships with others and myself. **It can put a ceiling on your career.

And my ability to succeed here was a direct function of the skills I learned from those quiet sessions with my therapist: unraveling who I was, what my weaknesses were, why I ticked the way I did, and who I wanted to be. With a deep hunger to grow myself, I turned my weakness into a strength.Five years after graduating with a degree in Chemical Engineering…

I had helped to launch a revenue-generating software product from the ground up.